what you should know

every part of your life relies on the world that surrounds you. this is what i think everyone means to say when they insist that all is relative. you adapt to your environment in more than a predator/prey sort of way. you adapt to your environment in every way possible.

this is how we live.

i notice this more and more every day as the weather changes. this is the very heart of the midwest, where it can (and frequently does) spiral from 80 degrees and sunny to 30 degrees and rainy in a matter of hours. sometimes minutes. everyone's moods change as they watch the sky. i am grateful for the opportunity to bare my shoulders to afternoon sunshine, at least the first two or three days of spring.

but it isn't just my mood that's changing from day to day. that's the simple epidermis of my existence - i was delighted with the november-like weather of the last week or so, for one more chance to drink hot chocolate and think about the long slow dying of a year - that part of time where you sit back and begin considering all the ways in which you're going to start fresh.

before too long, everything i know is going to come to an end. with every free moment i have, with every second of perfect sunshine and warm breeze, i long to head out of town. south, always south. my restlessness, at least, has a definitive direction. new scenery, i need different architecture and faces with features that differ subtly from those i'm used to seeing.

i always find a way to renew when this feeling comes. in the past its been tattoos and haircuts, new clothes or new glasses. if i don't naturally change quickly enough to suit my needs, then i can find artificial ways of creating permanence(intentional dichotomy).

this year, i've found myself breaking up with indianapolis. i have loved this city more completely than i thought would ever be possible. i found nooks and crannies to crawl into when i needed to feel safe, and particular faces to seek out for guidance, comfort, laughter. i know where to go and who to call for pretty much anything. but now, i'm pushing away some of those comforts. letting myself go home alone without saying hello. clinging to attachments already far away, rather than attachments within city limits.

it's the familiarity i have trouble with. i can't let it bolster me for too much longer. can't get married just because it seems like the next logical step.

the struggle has, rather than motivating me, put me out to pasture in the last few months. i lost my momentum, stopped finishing. but i got a simple reminder the other day, a jump start. remembered the existence of the words "poverty" and "sustainable development." and i remembered why i'm doing all this work, why i'm letting myself go south.

it's not just about the weather. so i told indianapolis the truth, whispered it gently to blooming trees and old brick walls. there are always symptoms, and my need to go south with every free second i have isn't about haste or dislike or restlessness. its about finding the right places and giving myself the right opportunities. this slow process, this breaking up, it will save me from heartbreak in the long run.

to borrow some infamous words:

i'm so sorry.
it's not you, it's me.
-- lindsay