conversations.

despite the young of my face, i can be taken seriously. part of this is almost about being sheltered. i don't tend to surround myself with people who won't take me seriously. i miss out on a lot of prejudice and ignorance by choosing carefully who gets to be involved in my life.

still i am sometimes meek and intimidated. i am sometimes so unsure of myself that i'll avoid a situation all together. i don't quite trust myself as an adult yet, am still feeling out where the edges of my self assurance lie. its gotten better recently. a realization, in the winter.

and the conversations keep on coming.

"i'm tired of not getting what i want because i'm afraid to ask for it. so i'm going to tell him."

"good luck."

i send the email. i think i like you. you cool with that? i get the reply. yeah, i'm cool with that. after all, i'm a pretty sweet dude.

nothing really comes of it. i head home from my weekend away with a large bite mark and a couple of choice bruises, but nothing has really changed between us in four years. this is about him, i think. i'm not the girl he wants to start out on. he doesn't want to start out at all, even with me. we've talked about this, briefly and without looking at each other. in quiet moments, unlocking the door and walking up the stairs. i know its more important to me than it is to him.

the thing is, it doesn't hurt this time. because i didn't make it up. i took the chance, and even though i haven't gotten what i want, i've gotten enough. exceeds expectations, doesn't meet hopes. this is a pattern.

the truth is, i'm a daydreamer. and a nightdreamer. i live by my fantasies, spend so much time working out all the possible manifestations of a situation. and yes, i'm talking about sex because so frequently that is the only thing my life lacks. but in my fantasies, its different. i dream about being strong. i dream about saying no.

in my head, i say "we can't keep doing this if this is all it is. i can't let myself get attached to you if you're not going to get attached back. there are some guys with whom i could do the makeout-buddy thing, but you're not one of them."

in real life, i say, "are we done with that whole thing?"

"why, do you want to make out?"

"well, i kind of always want to."

this is not going how i'd planned it. i am only strong in my head. when it comes down to it, i want what i want. the moment at hand is all that matters. i forget the very concept of aftermath.

i'm just trying to figure all of it out. how am i going to live? how am i going to protect myself? i've got a big scary life to confront in just a few short months and i need to be certain that i won't damage my chances at success by doing something stupid, by succumbing to desire too often.

my youth could be fatal (that sounds so dramatic!). i am not like the girls my age i am friends with - they're tough, outspoken. don't take any shit. that's what i mean by becoming a woman. maybe it's not about age, maybe its not the passing of time. its about learning not to be a wallflower.

we are talking about our pre-one another lives. teenage years mostly, when you started figuring stuff out. we have a lot in common in that way, being utterly different from but still a part of our respective families. knowing what matters and what doesn't. choosing what we love and following it.

he says, "yeah, but nobody's perfect."

i say, "i think i'm perfect." he laughs, because he thinks i'm joking.

i'm not joking. "it's not about being perfect in every way possible, or being someone's dream. i'm the most perfect lindsay possible."

and that's the truth. it's about my struggles and my questions, its about figuring everything out. i am lindsay in every single moment, when i'm manic with glee or stalking about filled with confidence because my jeans fit well and my sunglasses are huge and my hair is shiny. i am lindsay when i'm afraid to talk to you, and i am lindsay when i take a deep breath and reveal more than i should.

i'm not really sure what any of this has to do with him, but i'm figuring out what it all has to do with me. lexington, you better watch the fuck out, because i'm on my way.