better than mine.

the weekend and a phone call have me thinking about final destinations.

this is because i read too much fiction, i watch too much drama. because i don't hear his voice often enough from thousands of miles away. because i've been steady for so long.

the places you go and the places you end up, they're never the same.

i have plans, you see. but my plans keep getting in the way of my plans.

there are a couple of things that i want very badly. they're so improbable. the only way i can see to have them is in that starting over way. in that, this is the end and here's where i landed way, because everything else between then and now has failed.

i keep saying stupid things, letting my guard down.

so maybe i'll fail, at something. i failed at about ten things last night. i failed at about seventy last weekend. i'll keep doing it if i keep making impossible rules for myself. stick to it, stick to it. because what's integrity if not making sure you force yourself to see things through, even if you realize before the end how destructive they are?

(four things: i'm very tired, a little hungover, slightly panicked in an existential way, and sarcasm doesn't translate well into internet)

now i'm in this weird place where i kind of want to fail. i'm afraid i decided to go to school because i panicked. i'm afraid i decided to go to school because i just didn't know what the hell i was going to do otherwise. i've been in school for nineteen years; what's eight more? it's easier than living a different life.

unfortunately, i have other ideas. ideas about hiking on saturdays, ideas about big farmhouses with bigger gardens and canning in the fall. ideas about finally getting to see cera whenever i want, and ideas about slow breezes and something a little southern but still indiana. ideas about sweetly awkward kisses and just, for once, having no real responsibilities. ideas about a life that's built around me and nothing else.

i can't just say no. i can't just change my mind. can i?

here's the thing: i want to end up someplace other than where i'm headed.

it's just that right now, i'm not sure which is which.