someone's just not that into something.

step back, step down, step off.

it's been like a mantra the last few weeks.

backing down is something i've always struggled with; sometimes i do it too much, sometimes i can't get a grip on it no matter how badly i want to.

right now, its the latter. that feeling in the pit of your stomach that's about wanting something and knowing you're not going to have it, it gives me pause when i am making calculations about how to proceed.

i think one of my most self-defeating qualities is the tendency to hold on. to be hopeful. to wear my heart on my sleeve. to remember your name when we're old and gray and you haven't thought about me in 25 years, since we only met for five seconds in a busy pizza place in lima, ohio.

this is definitely a post about a boy, but it's only abstract because that flows in the same vein as my desire. maybe it had to do with my feeling like i needed to hide from everyone around us that i wanted him, or that i felt that way because i thought that's what he would want. either way, i sometimes detached from reality when i saw him; the man in conversation was not the same man who kissed me so voraciously was not the same man walking down the street.

i'm pretty sure that's not healthy, and i know i didn't like it. i didn't like how i could go from zero to ecstatic and back in 60 seconds. for once, i could see myself investing so much without any return, and for once, i realized that there is no way to make that okay. so i'm stepping off. stepping back.

not stepping down though; it snowed pretty hard today and i'm wearing really tall boots that make me ankle-wary.