clocks and eyelashes are not real life.

moving on is a strange, sly beast.

you don't necessarily want to do it. you've been dreading it since, say, november. but you knew it was coming, and you couldn't do anything about it. you couldn't even prepare, because it was too early - no one wanted to discuss anything so long before the fact.

this is not like dying your hair, or making the switch from ultra-low rise to plain old low rise. it's your entire life, every foundation.

but suddenly, one day, you wake up and know you're ready. it's sort of like, hey, this is going to happen anyway, and i'm tired of waiting. if i have to do it, then i want to do it my way - and i want to do it now.

well, i've got plans. mostly they revolve around red potholders and a giant map of the world, but they also have to do with strength. with knowing that at some point, i was always going to have to form a singular identity, to be funny and worthy and sketchy comedic without backup. to be me and just me, without anyone to model myself after or a common thread to hold on to.

and i decided on sunday afternoon that i was done waiting for that, and i was done holding on until the very last moment.

yesterday i put down a deposit on what is perhaps the most beautiful apartment in indianapolis. it also might be the cheapest apartment in indianapolis - how i got so lucky, i'll never know. but everything coming together so properly and so quickly seemed like a sign. so i took the chance.

i'll be moving in two weeks - which is a month before my lease here is up. there are a lot of reasons for that, including that the landlord was reluctant to offer me a short term lease (and i so desperately wanted the apartment), so i said "let's make a deal - you get a tenant right away and i get the apartment." another part of it is that i'm tired of being panicked about not knowing where i'm going to live come march first.

and part of that is that i want to get into my new life post-roommates as soon as possible. not because i don't love them dearly, and not because i won't miss them, but because they have been such an enormous part of my identity for the last two years and it's time for me to figure out if i can stand on my own two feet. it was coming anyway, so i may as well dive right in and see if i can come out on the other side unscathed.

paying rent on two places for a month is worth it if for nothing else than my peace of mind - i'm not going to have to couch surf, or move back in with my mom (not that she's not awesome, but she's 90 minutes away, and my life is solidly here), and i'm not going to wind up squatting in the theatre for six months with no place to go.

so tonight i say, three cheers for my first baby step into actual adulthood. wish me luck (and perhaps a quick boyfriend), since i've never lived alone before and my excitement only slightly outweighs my terror.