onward and upward.

i've never been one to shy away from admitting embarrassing things. for instance, all of you by now should know very well that i love bon jovi, buffy the vampire slayer, gilmore girls, pasty boys who look like jesus, and cats (yes, in that crazy old lady way).

but this particular movie, i've never been quite able to admit to - mostly because it has no redeeming value. you can't collect un-cool points for this movie.

so i'm not going to tell you what it is. i'm only going to tell you that it made me feel better.

like, someone with warm hands threw a large, soft blanket of better over me while i lay on the couch last night (it didn't hurt that both the dog and the cat were sleeping on top of me and i was very cozy).

and that blanket lasted through the night and has so far endured the entirety of this day. maybe it's because this is the first sunday in months that doesn't mean another week of hellish intensity is going to start in less than twelve hours. i really have nothing of importance to do until next weekend.

but most of what has been going on with the craziness in my head is about this: i am scared out of my fucking mind. everything that's coming up in the next few months leaves very little room for failure, for breathing. i've got to be on fire.

and i love my life here. pretty much everything about it, i love. i've been happier in indianapolis than i have been anywhere since i moved out of my mom's house at 16. so the thought of leaving all of it to start somewhere else, again, put the jitters in my belly and my toes. i would sometimes have trouble lighting a cigarette, i was shaking so badly.

then i sat down to watch this movie, because it's a dumb girly movie, but one of those with a mildly a-typical plotline that still has the ability to make me wonder positively about what's to come.

and someone said something like this: sometimes you have to force yourself to take a step for which you're not ready, because if you wait until you're ready, it's never going to happen.

and that opened up my chest a little, made my eyes stop stinging and unclenched my tired fists. i breathed, and i knew that it was true.

i'm not ready for this, i'm not ready to move on, to be alone or to start over. i'm not ready to wave goodbye to indianapolis and head south to a city that i haven't at this point even driven through. i'm not ready to live by myself.

but if i just suck it up and do it, it's going to turn out okay.

because honestly, i'm good at things. and i have yet to really fail at anything.

i'm not embarrassed to admit how much i'm going to miss it all, though. i'm not embarrassed to admit that i love all of my friends fiercely, and i love the theatre fiercely (and a job such as that is never going to fall in my lap again), and that i love every block of this city with an overwhelming passion that's a little bit ayn rand and a little bit country.

so just promise it'll be here when i get back.