keep thinking what you're thinking.

it's late and i still have a lot of stuff to finish before tomorrow arrives, so i am of course busy being preoccupied with thoughts that haven't been bothering me otherwise.

i'm thinking about my nephew's beautiful blue eyes and wishing i had time to see him more often and how adorable just seems to run in our family. and wondering if the reason i've liked blue eyes this year (for the first time) is because of that beautiful little baby. pictures on this forthcoming.

and i'm thinking about how, sometimes, its a lot of fun to want something. and that anticipation is delicious. but currently, wanting something is just a pain in my ass and i'm really tired of it. anticipation and trepidation are far too close in kinship, as far as i'm concerned.

i'm thinking about how strange it is that i hate myself in the mirror in my bedroom all the time, but sometimes the mirror in the upstairs bathroom is okay (even with it's outrageously unflattering lighting), and the mirror in the downstairs bathroom is mostly okay, but i always love my reflection in the kitchen windows.

and i'm thinking about the last man i kissed and how it's strange and sad that he was the last man that i kissed, mostly because it didn't mean all that much other than we were bored and it was so long ago. but he's a really good kisser.

i'm thinking about how many things i want to accomplish and whether or not i'll really finish with anything to which i'm not obligated in some way. for example, learning to play the piano or reading everything herman hesse ever wrote.

i'm thinking about how it's really funny to be ashamed of the way you feel about something; ashamed in the way that you don't want to tell anyone about it and you lie about it so you don't have to be judged. and how i used to believe that every emotion was validated by virtue of its existence, but i don't believe that anymore. because the way i'm feeling about a couple of things right now render useless the comfortable image i have of the woman i'm becoming, or trying to become.

i'm thinking about how i really hope i have enough extra money next week to be a really big dumbass and get another tattoo; it's going to be freaking beautiful. i'll tell you more about it when it happens, but just let me reiterate how excited i am about the archaeology of capitalism and those stupid colonial gardens.

but mostly, i'm thinking about how little i really care about jewish perspectives on euthanasia, at least at one on a monday morning, and that papers are a waste of my time. which is just a symptom of my procrastination disease, so i'm gonna go finish this so i can go to sleep.

good night.

[addendum: i'm thinking about how someone found this site by searching for "totally lindsay" and how much i loved totally minnie when i was a kid and i made my parents videotape it and it was on the same tape with flight of the navigator and i watched it every day after school for approximately two years. and how annoying it is that i have "don't go breakin' my heart" stuck in my head now.]